So I went back and re-read this entire fiction again. And trust me I cringed multiple times to say the least. So poor writing, typos and what not and its another huge effort in itself to just go through all those chapters and correct everything that is wrong with this story 😦 This was something I’ve written 2 years back. Please imagine my state of mind as someone who had laid her hands upon Fsog and was so overwhelmed in all the right places to write a fiction of her own on the same line. Eeeekssss! I am still wondering what went through my mind.
Anu567, I wouldnt have thought of continuing this again If not for your comment this morning and all others who have been asking for an update of this and today I just thought, fine,lets try!
Thing is,I really don’t know where I stand now, I’ve lost any touch with the original story I had in mind,If any. No clue If this is something you are expecting with the story or even if the update fits in or not. If it doesn’t make sense, please let me know…I won’t be continuing just for the sake. Feel fee to tell me if this sucks. Either ways,let me know your thoughts and decide its fate 🙂 Here you go
I was so high!
This was after so long that I had danced without a care in the world. It was the same old chirpy and carefree khushi that knew how to live, laugh and enjoy. This new one was just a shell though. If felt so good to actually push everything to the back of my mind and to have the moment all for myself. I felt rejuvenated in truest sense of the word. If felt like I was truly transported to some other land where there were no broken hearts, no betrayals, no tears. Where I could act as myself. Where there wasn’t any mask that I had to carry constantly.
I glanced around the dance floor and found payal, lavanya and Rey, each one busy in grooving to the pop song the DJ was playing at the moment and I felt a smile automatically perched on my lips seeing them happy. They were the ones I consider as my family and seeing them happy made my heart flutter.
I turned around and closed my eyes,grooving to the music in a world of my own. My mind enjoying the lyrics, the energy around this place, the dim lighting everything else and it helped me transported to another place altogether.
I felt lightheaded. I felt free..I felt myself running ahead from all the demons that were chasing me constantly and then it happened. suddenly, after a very long time my brain decided to open the lid of the tightly shut box. A box that were stuffed with memories. Bad ones specifically. Something I hadn’t visited in a long long time. Almost a month If I could recall correctly.
It wasn’t me being an emotional fool but still when I get some free time my mind couldn’t help but automatically venture down the memory lane. The one I have strictly put a ‘no-go sign. The one I had visited numerous times when I was nursing a broken heart. The one I had made sure can not made me weak me anymore. I won’t let it. I won’t let one bad decision to scar my life permanently. My life is mine and I chose to live it fully without carrying the demons of the past on my back. Those thoughts had helped me since then. Helped me stay strong. Helped me in moving forward without giving a backward glance.
With fair amount of alcohol in my system, It was hard to stick to those positive thoughts when you don’t have much control over your thought process to begin with and the same was happening with me. It happened slowly as I once again felt those memories dancing in front of my eyes when all of a sudden it all tumbled down on me like a garbage dump.
I was happy. So happy that day. I had spotted him in the Jewelry shop buying a ring. Ofcourse he couldn’t see me, he was busy in making a selection. I was returning back from my evening class and saw him in that shop while I was just glancing around my surroundings. It was shock and happiness all rolled into one greeted me that very moment. I was hoping, scratch that, praying to my goddess daily, waiting for him to propose me. I was so very ready to be his. I was sure about that particular decision, more than my next breath only for it to come tumbling down like a pack of cards. I still found it hard to believe how blatantly I had been cheated by the person I had placed my utmost trust upon.
and Suddenly it happened again. Every damn time. Doesn’t matter how strong I feel but at times like this I resemble nothing but like a piece of shit as if someone has flipped the switch over. I felt sudden unwanted tears brimming to my eyes, the dance floor was now so suffocated that I was unable to breath properly. My throat choked with the lump that had formed suddenly and I felt nauseated to say the least. My stomach revolting against my desire and I quickly turned away from the floor. As swiftly as possible. No I cant let my friends see me in a state like this. I am a mess and it felt like I am back to square one in just a matter of few minutes.They will be utterly disappointed if they’ll witness me in a state of weakness now. I cannot let them down. Not now.
With the memories came the pain, hurt,betrayal that I tried burying deep down and failed to do that. I felt myself going back to the shell I had tried hiding in post everything that had happened. My mind playing those ugly memories in loop while I hastily moved away from the crowd in search of some lonely place to gather my pathetic self. It was happening again. The famous panic attacks. The one I thought I was already over with, seems like I was wrong.
I experienced my first attack 5 days after I found him cheating on me. I was rather proud with the way I handled myself when my world came crashing down at me on that day. I didn’t plead or begged him to accept me. Didnt tell him I was ready to forgive him even after that. Yes, I was so ready and on the verge of pleading him to stay. Yes, I am ashamed to admit that how much spineless I was. Though I hated myself afterwards for even considering it as a possibility and vowed never to stoop that low even in my eyes. and I was doing pretty fair. Until,now ofcourse.
I felt like throwing up as the bile was rising up in my body. I felt myself shivering, my teeth clattering and I was unable to focus. I held the wall to support my form and took a deep breath. This was the worst one I had in ages. The tears rolling down my eyes and filing up instantly like someone had opened a tap and forgot to close. I wiped one wet cheek and with the back of my trembling hand and slid down the wall. My heart was thumping loudly in my chest and at that moment I so wanted to curl into nothing but a ball. I want someone to come and get me. To take me away from here and place me back into the safety of my home. I was trembling so badly I couldnt think straight. tucking my knees close to my chest I clutched my fists tightly. Ray, Payal, Lavanya.Where are they? Please come get me until it get worse.
I tried fetching my mobile out of my jeans pocket through my suddenly lifeless fingers when it started ringing. I was unable to see the caller’s name as another fresh batch of tears coated my eyes.Someone said my name and I remember telling them where I was through the loud cluttering of teeth while I heaved for another breath.
It was the last I remember before the darkness consumed me and everything went blank.