I stared at the maddening crowd in the pub with hollow eyes.
most of them drunk..dancing..enjoying..cajoling..stealing kisses with their partners..moving in sync on the dance floor.. hand in hand..bodies crushed into one another..locking stares..all things depicting love!
what the hell am i doing?..i donot belong here!
visualizing such intimacy right infront of my eyes still gives me a sense of strong pain deep down in my heart which probably is functional or not after all that it had survived..i have no idea.
Yes..My happily-ever-after was crushed brutally a week ago..my heart was thumped..shattered into million pieces..my trust was alive or not,i had no damn clue in the world.Probably the same time,a week ago everything was perfect..i was engaged to the man of my dreams..the man i loved..the man i thought loved me too..the man with whom i had secretly started dreaming of a happy,contented life.
Last week when i was trying so desperately to contact sid…was fretting over his well being..whether his flight landed safely or not..whether his meetings were successful or not..or whether he was neglecting his neglecting his health or not..he was probably busy romancing some other woman.
The parcel that i had got last friday night, contained photographs of sid kissing some other woman..there were dozens of them, the way they were clinged to each other in those pics say way more than those pics depicted. With each picture that i picked with shaken hands my heart was breaking bits by bits..pieces by pieces..i was so shocked to my core that i couldnt react for about 10 minutes..no these are fake..something must be plotted against him ,was my first and foremost reaction. He’s the man you love khushi..your sid..your fiancee..but pic by pic, my faith, my love, my trust for him began crumbling..bits by bits..i started gasping for air.. Him with same woman, at different locations..The last pic was certainly the nail in the coffin..the extremely intimate pic where him bare chested tangled to that same woman in a skimpy two piece in a bed..i felt so utterly disgusted and humiliated i couldnt force myself to look at that pic again.
I cried…screamed..wailed in my empty apartment. over my luck..my stupidity in beleiving , in trusting the wrong man..in putting my faith in the man who was not at all mine..the reason why he never said he loved me..or wait, keep aside those pics…for how long was he cheating on me..oh god..what a complete fool i have made of myself.
wiping my continuously flowing tears with the back of my palm,my whole body shaking ..i felt utter helpless..like a zombie..like life was just been sucked out of me..like i was punched flat on my face..i picked up my phone with shaken hand and captured the last photo..though just the sight of it makes me want to puke at the moment , i crushed n throw it outta my sight..after a failed attempt of controlling my sobs. I emailed the photo to Sid, the fresh lot of tears blurring my vision making it hard to type.
Best farewell gift ever sid!!!
Pressing the send button, i threw my phone hard as another set of sobs rocked my body.
The morning after when i woke up, my whole body was torn and sprained..i had passed out on the floor the previous night, with those pictures still scattered on the floor..my phone at some other corner. I picked up my lifeless body and enter the shower..i stayed under it for god knows how long..at some point the flashbacks of previous night returned and despite my futile attempts, tears made their appearance again..the pain of his betrayal was still raw n fresh.
For the next 3 days I called in sick at my workplace..i locked myself in my apartment..skipping meals..doing nothing..lying lifeless on the couch..i couldnt even made myself call my bestie..i knew she would support me through n through..but just the thought of facing people at that time was beyond my limits..i couldnt face anyone..not even ashi..yes, i knew it was the coward’s way out but i wasnt the strong one..i was the one who lick their wounds in private..i had cancelled my saturday nightout with her citing some random stuff..next day i felt slightly better but no where near the original khushi. I still called in sick, eating nothing but chocolates, my partners to share my pain..i tried watching tv..but everywhere it was just love..i gave up the thought after few failed attempts. After 5 days of hell that i went thorugh alone..now with nothing but a slight ache at those memories which still paid me visits uninvitedly, i decided to go to work on thursday. I was way much better than the fragile procelain doll that i was on last weekend. If i could pass that kind of hell, i could do everything..that was the thought with which i entered my cabin and resumed all my pent up work. It was still hard to concentrate but i was glad i was making it again in the real world..at my own pace. though..i hadnt met with ashi and wasnt planning to do that for few more days..i still need some time to gather myself confidently to be able to share his betrayal with her without feeling shattered again.
By friday night i have had enough..self cribbing with my own..crying at my stupidity was nothing but sheer torcher on my own self..i hadnt heard anything from sid yet..though it was the last thing i want at that moment..so the question that was staring at my face was why was i suffering for that asshole…why am i putting myself through hell when it was him who was guilty. In that sudden impulsive moment i decided to push aside all other 36 things that was troubling me and decided to give another shot at life. I put on my pretty lil black dress out of the cupboard, apply makeup, shadowed my eyes with thick kohl, add in some blush and was ready to hit the pubs in town..with my best confident poker face.
however, after an hour i was not feeling that much confident..sitting on the bar stool..watching the maddening weekend rush filling in the pub was making me feel slightly annoyed at the moment..all were seemed very happy and i was highly out of place. With enough alcohol in my almost empty stomach, my head was now kinda dizzy..i was never really alcoholic but it surely helped me in lifting my doomed spirits in the past and a good companion when you are probably at your worst., thats totally my theory!
I dont care and i dont give a damn!!!
mentally pep talking myself, giving a smug look at the blatant display of love in the air by the couples dancing on the floor, i twirled back my barstool and signalled the bartender for another drink.
“You are on your third drink!!!”
came a low, husky n almost seductive voice from my left side. Frowningly, i turned sideways n glanced up to came across a pair of incredibly blue eyes. The owner of which was probably one hell of a handsome man..or wait, it might be the understatement. With finely chiseled features, dark jet black hair, nose cut to perfection a strong jawline and overall a lean but muscular build, he was giving fair competition to all those male models we spot in magazines. Despite my dizziness, i noticed a cut below his left brow that was adding to his spectacular features if not anything..sinfully sexy..my mind screamed to me that very instant.
and i was left shocked the very next when i realised just what the hell was i thinking..thats not what a recently betrayed woman probably should. I couldnt beleive my mind was probably still able to pass such fleeting thoughts about this particular male species when hating the whole lot was what on my agenda at the moment..with that thought, my brain for the time being helped me in gathering myself..narrowing my eyes i scowled at him who was staring at me with a smug look,
“and thats your problem because?..”
“Because i can see..this place.. you certainly do not belong here”
he said,motioning the area of the pub by twirling his index finger.
“and who are you to say that?..”
i replied in my most annoying voice, hiding my sudden quickening in heartbeats when his last statement just hit the deadly spot.
“probably no one..but i know…”
“You know nothing about me”
I snapped at him, grabbing my drink and gulping the contents in one go..the liquid leaving fireballs in my throat causing sudden tears that sprang to my eyes..probably he’s right..this all is not where i belong..but it would be the last thing i would admit infront of him.
He continued in his husky voice while twirling his drink within his glass,
“may be not..but its written all over your face..dont tell me you are nursing a broken heart?..”
I suddenly glanced at him because this man was getting on my nerves with his approx accurate comments..who is he..psychatric..astrologer or what, i just clenched my fists and narrowed my eyes, not wanting to answer his question in any condition.
The smug look he passed the next second when he realized that he was right, pissed me to the maximum,
“Commitment issues?..or what?…”
“That is none of your business you swine!!!”
clenching my fists i replied, barely containing my seething anger...just who the hell he think he is?
He chuckled at my sudden outburst and held both his hands up in surrender.
his gesture calming me a bit, but still by then all those uneventful memories managed to came uninviting flooding my brain with their presence..sid..that woman..his betrayal..everything.
the bartender placed my fourth drink infront of me..my head was started spinning lightly by then, signalling that i have had more than my limits but i needed this one desperately in order to closed the lid on those uneventful memories.
I got my small victory when this time that sexy stranger did not interrupted me but i could feel his stare on me..absolutely.
His piercing gaze was enough to arise those goosebumps on my body and i determinedly grabbed my drink with shaken fingers.
Gulping the contents in one go..i put it down with a loud thud..more to send my silent message to him that he was in no place to order me. But to my sheer bad luck that move turned out to be the worst, cause after that drink my empty stomach gave up n started revolting..feeling nauseated and with my stomach churning up, i covered my mouth with my palm, cursing some expletives.
shit, i am probably gonna get sick!
Placing my feets carefully on the floor, i balanced my trembling body,meanwhile knocking the empty glass on the floor thereby attracting attention i made a dash for the washroom.
Locating the restroom with as fast as i could in my highly drunken state n trembled legs,i slammed the door shut, barely reaching the basin and emptied my stomach’ content in it..teardrops appearing on my face..my head pounding loud enough like drumrolls..i held my body weight with my hand and gasped when the feeling to throw up started again..by the end of throwing up for the third time i was completely drained out of energy…shit..i should never had came here.
I felt someone opening up the washroom door with a bolt..i dont know whom..i didnt have the energy..straightening up, i stand for a moment to settle my head that was spinning madly.
Shit..a bad bad move..i probably should have listened to that swine.
Wincing at the sudden aching of my head i turned around to came across that same pair of incredibly blue eyes with a slight hint of panic in them.
The sudden fleeting thought hit my mind before everything around me started revolving at a the lightening fast speed and the swine jumping towards me was the last scene before i passed out.