He paced nervously outside the operation theater while maintaining a calm only Raizada was famous for. Nobody could have guessed the myriads of emotions going inside him at that particular moment. Sweat sprinkled his skin as he yet again found himself drowning into the thoughts. Thoughts that have been chasing him since so long. Unpleasant,harsh thoughts depicting the ultimate reality he has been hiding from. Thoughts that have been rearing its head at the most unexprected of times and left him unsettled to say the least and try as he might even he couldn’t stop these thoughts to get under his skin and bruise him some more.
A broken heart and a drunken mistake.
It was enough to sum up as to what exactly was happening in his life right now. As to where exactly was standing in his life.
He never imagined he would experience such a day in his life. Not by a long shot. It was a mistake. It definitely started as one.
In a hospital, outside the operation theater and on the verge of becoming a father.
A wave of disgust course throughout him at the said word. His muscles ached from tension so much so he feared he might split in two. He was ruthless, powerful charming and enigmatic. For the world. But from inside, he was still a feared, vulnerable boy who was never loved in his life. Who is still trying to fix himself for all the abuse he had gotten by hands of his own father. The same word again left him slightly shivering down to his core.
He feared he might be on the way to become the one person he loathed the most.
It shouldn’t have happen. He shouldn’t have drank too much that day,some eight months back. He shouldn’t have looked at her that way when she had innocently glanced him directly in his eyes, a concern lingering in her gaze at the way he was drinking like a trained alcoholic. As a waitress in the bar, it shouldn’t be of her concern who is drinking themselves to death. But then he would be lying about it completely. if it wasn’t for her,he wouldnt be alive. Not in the literal sense of the word.
khushi is now the only sane thing in his life. They say you could find hopes in places you are expecting the least. It might have started as a mistake. His world had ended when he came to realize his long time love was nothing but a package of betrayal and greed. That was the day he swore off indulging into emotions ever again.
and then she crossed his path.
It wasnt easier for him. Not a bit. He was caged within himself so deeper that it was impossible for him to drag out his true self that has been harmed by the cruel realities of life. The past 8 months that they have been together, he felt like living once again. He was merely breathing before. It wasnt easy for their relation was complicated to say the least.
Bound by scandal, media,an accidental pregnancy followed by an unexpected marriage.
She was successful in shredding off his layers. Behind which a vulnerable heart was still hiding surrounded by fog. Of fear, of uncertainty., of doubts. It was dark in there. Not a tiny shred of light.
His relationship with her has evolved slowly, not in a day, not overnight. Throughout the course, with ups and downs, it wasn’t easy for him to trust yet another person without thinking about their ulterior motives. He hurt her in the process, he made mistakes, he learn to overcome them, he let her in. he started trusting again and eventually started feeling again.
but then, in whatever way he has changed there was this thing he always felt like a burden on his back. The pregnancy.
Not that he was a coward and was avoiding his responsibilities. The day he came to know that his supposedly one night stand has resulted in something more that that, he had stepped up.Made decisions. Raizada was anything but a coward and now that an innocent life in the loop, he had made sure it’ll get what it deserves . After an extremely rough and patchy start, things eventually started falling in place. Pieces by pieces.
But then, somewhere in the back of his mind there was always this uncertainty lurking behind. He felt like a culprit to the unborn child. This child, if born in some other circumstances would have gotten all the love it deserves and not just for the sake of it. And who better than Raizada to understand how actually it felt like being unloved. Unwanted. He was one such example. An perfect example of unwanted pregnancy himself. For his whole life he questioned his existence, craved for the affectionate words of his father only to get loathing in return.
They say history repeats itself. Funny it was. A lifetime ago he was on the receiving end of it and now, just the opposite. He was going to dish out the same future for this kid that he never wanted to have for himself.
He felt his conscience cursing him in disgust. He would never be able to meet the gaze of this child, let alone explain it to it. What if this kid started hating him the way he hates his father. What if he would never be able to love it the way it deserves. What if he would never get the chance to make a brighter future for this child. For them. What if he’ll turn out exactly like his father?
He felt himself involuntarily surfing on the strong waves of what ifs. His heart felt tight as steels, caged, chained. Uncertainty surrounded him from all sides, his palms slick with sweat as he clenched it tightly to the point of drawing blood from his skin.
and then he got the news. It was a girl.
His heart hammered inside his chest as the doctor placed a wailing baby in his arms. His heart leapt out his throat at the blankness that settled over him. Ghosts of his past chose to torment him that very moment, bullying him, cursing him. His head filled with voices all over for how he was going to ruin a life again. How he has already committed a sin. How he was going to rot in hell for damaging this innocent life wailing in his arms.How he will never be a man enough to pay for his deeds. How will he justify for his insensible actions. How this kid is ever going to forgive him? ever?
and in that moment, something magical happened.
The baby stopped crying. The sudden calmness dragged him out of his tormenting thoughts and his eyes traversed downwards. Their gazes met. and it happened. Something clicked that moment. The way this little life was looking at him, he felt his pretensions baring off. He felt his snowy layers melting. The intensity of the gaze smeared into his skin. As if she could see though his very soul and he couldnt hide anymore, try as he might. His inhibitions broken by that very first silent communication they were having.
and then she smiled. A bit. Innocent, pure, sacred smile it was.
He didnt realized his breath left his body in a whoosh. He didnt realize a breath of relief it was. Carrying with it the burden of horrendous thoughts along it. Even after what he had done she was smiling at him. She was giving him a chance. She was giving him a hope. As if she has forgiven him. She felt like the sunshine that will lit up all the dark corners of his heart. He felt lightweight after ages. He felt like he had shed his bruised, raw marred skin and was glowing in a radiance of his own.
Not one, but two lives were born that day.